Remember the good ole' days when your mom would take you to the doctor, they'd knock on your knee with a little hammer to make you laugh? Then they'd put you up against a wall, take your height and say "my, how you've grown." You might end up with a little shot, but generally the smiling face of the nurse who hugged you afterwards would dry your tears instantly. They'd hand you a lollipop and you'd skip out of the office ready to get the ice cream your mom had promised to buy you if you were good. Yea, those fucking days are gone.
Once you get older a physical becomes more traumatizing than witnessing your dad put the presents under the tree at Christmas instead of Santa. I had one this week. First, they throw you on a scale. There's some good news. I always hate it when the medical assistant is able to guess my weight right away. Bitch, I don't look THAT fat. Then they take your blood pressure and if you're me, it nearly comes with a one-way trip to the local ER. I've worked in healthcare and besides that, I'm not a total idiot. Perky med assistant asked me, "well, how are you eating?" Look at me, does it look like I eat perfectly balanced meals? (At this point I should add that no one in that office found my smart-ass remarks even remotely humorous) Then they jab a needle into your arm, and draw about five tubes of blood out. Yea, it's really not that much, if you remembered to eat that day.
The doctor then goes through your family history. They're mostly dead, I don't know what they died of, but I'm guessing it wasn't of being awesome. She lectures you about your weight, your blood pressure, and your mere existence in this world. When my blood pressure came up, I kindly told her that I had gained some weight since moving to Memphis but was working on trying to lose it. She has no idea that I had lost almost 70 pounds before moving here so I know what to do to do it. She simply stated "yea, ok. I'm still going to give you some medications for it." Total lack in faith. She rattles off the list of terrifying stuff that "happens as you get older" and what she's going to test you for. Now, if you're lucky, you don't have to go back to your own private self-esteem killer for at least six months. If you're me, you're back in two weeks. There's no lollipop, instead you get a whole prescription pad filled with medications you have to start taking. Skipping out of the office is now replaced with a quick stroll, so you can get the hell out of there before you cry.
Though most people will roll their eyes, a physical after the age of thirty starts to become a scary thing. You know your youth is slipping away and you need to take better car of yourself. You remember when you use to make fun of your grandfather for complaining about his cholesterol and now you cringe when yours is not so spectacular. You start to think of yourself as less than invincible and total capable of collapsing under the list of illnesses that can be prevented by lifestyle change. And I, immediately felt the need to change my lifestyle completely. There are still a million and a half things I want to do before Mr. Christ calls me to the pearly gates. However, even when I get there, I'm sure he'll have a few lectures for me as well.
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