The Stages of Break Up Grief

Recently, my long distance boyfriend broke up with me. It was because of the distance (at least that's what he told me). However, it got me to thinking about my relationships in my 20's compared to now. What I've realized is that until JUST NOW I really haven't matured that much when handling break-ups. And this is one of those situations where I truly wonder if it's just me, or if every female does this.

There is always a little bit of denial when I get my heart broken. I'll say to myself "he's just mad, he'll call tomorrow" or "he'll realize he made a mistake." Though this has happened sometimes that denial is what drives my further actions. I usually try to bargain with the man, and to be honest, have humiliated myself in the process of doing this. This bargaining process can go back and forth for days or even weeks. And I think one reason this occurs is because men never like to completely slam the door in someone's face. I believe the little assholes like to keep their options open for future endeavors. This is something I really didn't catch on to until very recently. It was literally like a light bulb came on above my head and you could see the clarity suddenly in my face. Isn't is sad that a highly intelligent female didn't realize something so minimal until her 30's?

Generally sometime after feeling depressed and sad and pretty much like it was all my fault I eventually reach the point where I start to feel angry. I HATE anger. It is my least favorite emotion. In fact, I never properly learned how to convey anger. Anger forces me into the next and most important stage of action that many find questionable. I bail, like an inmate on a free pass. Out the door I go. I rarely can stay friends with someone I care very deeply for. I just am too selfish with my own feelings to do so. I have gone years without speaking to exes merely because it is the only way I know how to move on. Sounds a little childish? I don't think so. I just think I should do it much sooner after the demise of another fairy tale.

Mostly the people who tell me these actions are childish are the men themselves. Sorry, I don't feel the need as an independent adult to stick around and play childish games. I leave for a while, sometimes months, sometimes years. When I return and am finally able to speak to them again, I'm over it. When I decide I am done with something, there is absolutely no changing my mind. I can kill feelings very quickly and easily.

I am almost 31 years old and I have zero desire to play the games. I've been there, done that. If I am ever to be in another relationship (which will probably be a very long time from now) I'm not going to negotiate the way I have in the past. There are things I want, if you can not give them to me, please move on and don't waste my time with your emotional immaturity and inability to commit because "there might be something better" out there. I guess when you get to this point and you're my age, an amount of apprehension should be expected from the one you're courting. Cynicism should be tolerated, as well as the fact that you might just have to try a little harder.

I really am one bad relationship from a special order being placed for a crazy cat lady starter kit.