I remember an episode of Friends where during a blackout Rachel and Ross are talking about relationships. She realizes that she's never had such a connection with someone where the desire and chemistry was irresistible. She asks Ross, "do you think there are people who go through life never getting to feel that?" To which he replies, "probably." That dialogue has always stuck in my mind and I never knew why until very recently.
I've had passion and heat and all that, but I've never met someone where instantly the chemistry and heat was there and intense. That is until recently. I saw a guy from across the room. He was very tall, and talking to a girl much shorter than he. Every time I looked over their direction, she was talking and he was looking at me. I remember thinking how attractive he was, but kind of put it out of my mind. That is until he walked over and introduced himself to me. From the minute his face was two feet away from mine and I shook his hand I was intrigued. I felt sparks INSTANTLY. That has never ever ever ever ever happened.
Now, let me tell you about Audra and flirting; it's not pretty. I am a horrible flirt. In fact, one of my male friends told me once that my flirting is "different." It takes a highly intelligent man to pick up on it. And you can imagine how often that happens. But this guy picked up on it instantly. He complimented my eyes and said that was why he was staring at me. I normally don't hold eye contact when talking with someone but this time I did, and I felt comfortable with it. The conversation wasn't forced, I didn't feel self-conscious and within five minutes I found myself wondering what it would be like to kiss him. That is not like me at all. It was the first time in a very long time I had felt anything.
The evening wound down and he walked me to my car. While there he asked me if he could kiss me. My brain was saying no, but my head instantly nodded yes as a girlish smile came across my face. So, he did. The sparks just got more intense. I've kissed a lot of men. And he is right up there at the top of the "Best Kissers" list. Holy hell, I was in trouble. For a few brief moments the type-A control freak I am lost complete control and enjoyed the moment.
I had to literally push myself away and get in my car to leave. I'm not the type of girl to go home with a stranger at all. As I drove home and when I woke up the next morning it was the first thing I thought about. I never thought heat and chemistry like that could ever happen instantaneously. That was a first for me. I ran off so fast I'm sure I left him a little stunned and confused. Hell, I was stunned. I'm not sure if I'll ever see that man again, but I can at least say that at least once in my life I got to feel that.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
The Stages of Break Up Grief
Recently, my long distance boyfriend broke up with me. It was because of the distance (at least that's what he told me). However, it got me to thinking about my relationships in my 20's compared to now. What I've realized is that until JUST NOW I really haven't matured that much when handling break-ups. And this is one of those situations where I truly wonder if it's just me, or if every female does this.
There is always a little bit of denial when I get my heart broken. I'll say to myself "he's just mad, he'll call tomorrow" or "he'll realize he made a mistake." Though this has happened sometimes that denial is what drives my further actions. I usually try to bargain with the man, and to be honest, have humiliated myself in the process of doing this. This bargaining process can go back and forth for days or even weeks. And I think one reason this occurs is because men never like to completely slam the door in someone's face. I believe the little assholes like to keep their options open for future endeavors. This is something I really didn't catch on to until very recently. It was literally like a light bulb came on above my head and you could see the clarity suddenly in my face. Isn't is sad that a highly intelligent female didn't realize something so minimal until her 30's?
Generally sometime after feeling depressed and sad and pretty much like it was all my fault I eventually reach the point where I start to feel angry. I HATE anger. It is my least favorite emotion. In fact, I never properly learned how to convey anger. Anger forces me into the next and most important stage of action that many find questionable. I bail, like an inmate on a free pass. Out the door I go. I rarely can stay friends with someone I care very deeply for. I just am too selfish with my own feelings to do so. I have gone years without speaking to exes merely because it is the only way I know how to move on. Sounds a little childish? I don't think so. I just think I should do it much sooner after the demise of another fairy tale.
Mostly the people who tell me these actions are childish are the men themselves. Sorry, I don't feel the need as an independent adult to stick around and play childish games. I leave for a while, sometimes months, sometimes years. When I return and am finally able to speak to them again, I'm over it. When I decide I am done with something, there is absolutely no changing my mind. I can kill feelings very quickly and easily.
I am almost 31 years old and I have zero desire to play the games. I've been there, done that. If I am ever to be in another relationship (which will probably be a very long time from now) I'm not going to negotiate the way I have in the past. There are things I want, if you can not give them to me, please move on and don't waste my time with your emotional immaturity and inability to commit because "there might be something better" out there. I guess when you get to this point and you're my age, an amount of apprehension should be expected from the one you're courting. Cynicism should be tolerated, as well as the fact that you might just have to try a little harder.
I really am one bad relationship from a special order being placed for a crazy cat lady starter kit.
There is always a little bit of denial when I get my heart broken. I'll say to myself "he's just mad, he'll call tomorrow" or "he'll realize he made a mistake." Though this has happened sometimes that denial is what drives my further actions. I usually try to bargain with the man, and to be honest, have humiliated myself in the process of doing this. This bargaining process can go back and forth for days or even weeks. And I think one reason this occurs is because men never like to completely slam the door in someone's face. I believe the little assholes like to keep their options open for future endeavors. This is something I really didn't catch on to until very recently. It was literally like a light bulb came on above my head and you could see the clarity suddenly in my face. Isn't is sad that a highly intelligent female didn't realize something so minimal until her 30's?
Generally sometime after feeling depressed and sad and pretty much like it was all my fault I eventually reach the point where I start to feel angry. I HATE anger. It is my least favorite emotion. In fact, I never properly learned how to convey anger. Anger forces me into the next and most important stage of action that many find questionable. I bail, like an inmate on a free pass. Out the door I go. I rarely can stay friends with someone I care very deeply for. I just am too selfish with my own feelings to do so. I have gone years without speaking to exes merely because it is the only way I know how to move on. Sounds a little childish? I don't think so. I just think I should do it much sooner after the demise of another fairy tale.
Mostly the people who tell me these actions are childish are the men themselves. Sorry, I don't feel the need as an independent adult to stick around and play childish games. I leave for a while, sometimes months, sometimes years. When I return and am finally able to speak to them again, I'm over it. When I decide I am done with something, there is absolutely no changing my mind. I can kill feelings very quickly and easily.
I am almost 31 years old and I have zero desire to play the games. I've been there, done that. If I am ever to be in another relationship (which will probably be a very long time from now) I'm not going to negotiate the way I have in the past. There are things I want, if you can not give them to me, please move on and don't waste my time with your emotional immaturity and inability to commit because "there might be something better" out there. I guess when you get to this point and you're my age, an amount of apprehension should be expected from the one you're courting. Cynicism should be tolerated, as well as the fact that you might just have to try a little harder.
I really am one bad relationship from a special order being placed for a crazy cat lady starter kit.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Open Mouth, Insert Foot
While at an outing a few weeks ago a few people brought their children along. Now, these people are younger than me, not by more than 2-3 years, but still, younger. I felt that familiar, should I have had children earlier pain a little but I just ignored it and thought about how much fun I was going to have getting drunk later that night. Until....
One of the females has multiple children. She stated out loud (breaking my trance) "I'm so glad I didn't wait until 30 to have my children. I can be young enough to enjoy them and won't be too old for everything." That snapped me back into reality. Another one chimed in with agreement. I felt the red start to hit my face, but no one seemed to notice it or my meager existence in the world at that time. I personally did not choose to wait this long to have children. When I was a teenager I assumed that I would be 25 when I had my first child. I was planned out to the T. 25 came and went and prince charming still hasn't shown up for our date. However, there are SEVERAL people I know who have waited until their 30's to have children. In fact (gasp) some have decided not to have children at all.
I can't believe that we're in the 21st century and evolution hasn't caught up to society. By the age of 35 a women's fertility is decreased by almost half. The risk of miscarriage and several chromosomal abnormalities increases. It's punishment for deciding to wait to have children, or not just having the luck of having them yet. I also can't believe that there aren't more people I know waiting.
What I do know for sure is that I thoroughly enjoyed my twenties and am currently enjoying my thirties. I answer to no one, and I control my entire life. And right now, that works for me. There are those times when I look at families while at a restaurant or a store and wish I had that already. But, it wasn't in the cards for me. Us spinsters don't go around insulting your babies or your family with such snide remarks like "I can't believe you had ANOTHER one. So, be cautious when you speak out loud to people. If you can't do that, just make sure your feet are clean.
One of the females has multiple children. She stated out loud (breaking my trance) "I'm so glad I didn't wait until 30 to have my children. I can be young enough to enjoy them and won't be too old for everything." That snapped me back into reality. Another one chimed in with agreement. I felt the red start to hit my face, but no one seemed to notice it or my meager existence in the world at that time. I personally did not choose to wait this long to have children. When I was a teenager I assumed that I would be 25 when I had my first child. I was planned out to the T. 25 came and went and prince charming still hasn't shown up for our date. However, there are SEVERAL people I know who have waited until their 30's to have children. In fact (gasp) some have decided not to have children at all.
I can't believe that we're in the 21st century and evolution hasn't caught up to society. By the age of 35 a women's fertility is decreased by almost half. The risk of miscarriage and several chromosomal abnormalities increases. It's punishment for deciding to wait to have children, or not just having the luck of having them yet. I also can't believe that there aren't more people I know waiting.
What I do know for sure is that I thoroughly enjoyed my twenties and am currently enjoying my thirties. I answer to no one, and I control my entire life. And right now, that works for me. There are those times when I look at families while at a restaurant or a store and wish I had that already. But, it wasn't in the cards for me. Us spinsters don't go around insulting your babies or your family with such snide remarks like "I can't believe you had ANOTHER one. So, be cautious when you speak out loud to people. If you can't do that, just make sure your feet are clean.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
The Doctor Will See You Now
Remember the good ole' days when your mom would take you to the doctor, they'd knock on your knee with a little hammer to make you laugh? Then they'd put you up against a wall, take your height and say "my, how you've grown." You might end up with a little shot, but generally the smiling face of the nurse who hugged you afterwards would dry your tears instantly. They'd hand you a lollipop and you'd skip out of the office ready to get the ice cream your mom had promised to buy you if you were good. Yea, those fucking days are gone.
Once you get older a physical becomes more traumatizing than witnessing your dad put the presents under the tree at Christmas instead of Santa. I had one this week. First, they throw you on a scale. There's some good news. I always hate it when the medical assistant is able to guess my weight right away. Bitch, I don't look THAT fat. Then they take your blood pressure and if you're me, it nearly comes with a one-way trip to the local ER. I've worked in healthcare and besides that, I'm not a total idiot. Perky med assistant asked me, "well, how are you eating?" Look at me, does it look like I eat perfectly balanced meals? (At this point I should add that no one in that office found my smart-ass remarks even remotely humorous) Then they jab a needle into your arm, and draw about five tubes of blood out. Yea, it's really not that much, if you remembered to eat that day.
The doctor then goes through your family history. They're mostly dead, I don't know what they died of, but I'm guessing it wasn't of being awesome. She lectures you about your weight, your blood pressure, and your mere existence in this world. When my blood pressure came up, I kindly told her that I had gained some weight since moving to Memphis but was working on trying to lose it. She has no idea that I had lost almost 70 pounds before moving here so I know what to do to do it. She simply stated "yea, ok. I'm still going to give you some medications for it." Total lack in faith. She rattles off the list of terrifying stuff that "happens as you get older" and what she's going to test you for. Now, if you're lucky, you don't have to go back to your own private self-esteem killer for at least six months. If you're me, you're back in two weeks. There's no lollipop, instead you get a whole prescription pad filled with medications you have to start taking. Skipping out of the office is now replaced with a quick stroll, so you can get the hell out of there before you cry.
Though most people will roll their eyes, a physical after the age of thirty starts to become a scary thing. You know your youth is slipping away and you need to take better car of yourself. You remember when you use to make fun of your grandfather for complaining about his cholesterol and now you cringe when yours is not so spectacular. You start to think of yourself as less than invincible and total capable of collapsing under the list of illnesses that can be prevented by lifestyle change. And I, immediately felt the need to change my lifestyle completely. There are still a million and a half things I want to do before Mr. Christ calls me to the pearly gates. However, even when I get there, I'm sure he'll have a few lectures for me as well.
Once you get older a physical becomes more traumatizing than witnessing your dad put the presents under the tree at Christmas instead of Santa. I had one this week. First, they throw you on a scale. There's some good news. I always hate it when the medical assistant is able to guess my weight right away. Bitch, I don't look THAT fat. Then they take your blood pressure and if you're me, it nearly comes with a one-way trip to the local ER. I've worked in healthcare and besides that, I'm not a total idiot. Perky med assistant asked me, "well, how are you eating?" Look at me, does it look like I eat perfectly balanced meals? (At this point I should add that no one in that office found my smart-ass remarks even remotely humorous) Then they jab a needle into your arm, and draw about five tubes of blood out. Yea, it's really not that much, if you remembered to eat that day.
The doctor then goes through your family history. They're mostly dead, I don't know what they died of, but I'm guessing it wasn't of being awesome. She lectures you about your weight, your blood pressure, and your mere existence in this world. When my blood pressure came up, I kindly told her that I had gained some weight since moving to Memphis but was working on trying to lose it. She has no idea that I had lost almost 70 pounds before moving here so I know what to do to do it. She simply stated "yea, ok. I'm still going to give you some medications for it." Total lack in faith. She rattles off the list of terrifying stuff that "happens as you get older" and what she's going to test you for. Now, if you're lucky, you don't have to go back to your own private self-esteem killer for at least six months. If you're me, you're back in two weeks. There's no lollipop, instead you get a whole prescription pad filled with medications you have to start taking. Skipping out of the office is now replaced with a quick stroll, so you can get the hell out of there before you cry.
Though most people will roll their eyes, a physical after the age of thirty starts to become a scary thing. You know your youth is slipping away and you need to take better car of yourself. You remember when you use to make fun of your grandfather for complaining about his cholesterol and now you cringe when yours is not so spectacular. You start to think of yourself as less than invincible and total capable of collapsing under the list of illnesses that can be prevented by lifestyle change. And I, immediately felt the need to change my lifestyle completely. There are still a million and a half things I want to do before Mr. Christ calls me to the pearly gates. However, even when I get there, I'm sure he'll have a few lectures for me as well.
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