Here Again

I have not written on this thing in a very long time. In fact, I had forgotten it existed and WHY I did it in the first place. However, thanks to a very good friend (thanks, Becky) I decided to get back at it.

It started because I have Lupus. The pain in my tendons and joints has become so bad it has become physically painful if not impossible to write. I've kept hand-written journals since the age of 12. It's kind of my thing! And not being able to write has just basically devastated me. So, my friend/co-worker Becky recommended an online blog. Then I remembered, "wait, I already have one!"

So that's how we got here. I guess life just got away from me in the past few years. Between work and just life I didn't find the humor in being a single *chokes* 35 year old. Then last January I thought my luck had finally changed.

I had been seeing a guy who we will call Kyle. He was nice enough. Seemed to really like me. So what was the problem? We had very very little in common. He was into movies I usually have little interest in. He was a HUGE commitment-phobe. And worst of all, he was a brutal alcoholic. I remember one evening he asked me to come to his house and hang out. I got there around 11 at night and there was a fire going outside and I couldn't find  him so I thought he went inside. Yet, there were no lights on inside. I knocked on the door -- nothing. So I checked and it was unlocked. I almost fell and broke my face as I stepped inside because Kyle was face-down on the floor, passed out. He didn't even make it to his bed. Now, this is a 40 year old man, mind you. He would either be completely belligerently stupid, making no sense whatsoever or so overly clingy and emotional I couldn't stand it.

Kyle and I made it until the week after New Years. I attended a party at HIS friends house where I felt like I was being pitied because he was so obnoxiously drunk I couldn't stand it. We made it another week and parted ways. He said he wasn't ready for a commitment and for about 24 hours I was upset then I was ready to move on. Now, towards the end of our very short lived relationship a guy I barely knew from high school had started messaging me. There was no cheating, no inappropriate things said or done at all, I just want to make that clear.

About two weeks after Kyle and I broke up the new guy asked me on a date. Now, I should probably mention that his ex of like a million years also went to high school with me and I liked her. I told him I would not go out with him unless she said she was alright with it. He asked her, she said it was fine (he showed me the text messages) and I still was a little hesitant. I don't know why I was other than to say that at that time, I wasn't interested in him.

He and I did start hanging out and I won't lie, it didn't go very well at first at all. I believe I was the first person he was physically spending time with since his ex and it really messed with him. I know now it's because he was still in love with her. He never stopped talking about her. But, we persevered and dated from about January to March. Nothing official, but I wasn't seeing anyone but him and I don't THINK he was seeing anyone but me. I developed feelings for him. He was so nice, attentive, sensitive and really put me as a priority. Around March-we decided to give a full on relationship a try, even though we pretty much were already in one. We just put a label on it. Probably was the biggest mistake I made.

It seemed like overnight things started to change. His stupid stupid job started making him work 12-hour days 5, sometimes 6 days a week. That is absurd to me! Every other week he had his son with him. As of yet, he wasn't comfortable with me meeting his kid. I completely understood that. So, on those weeks we may have only seen each other once, maybe twice. On the free weeks, we maybe saw each other 3 times. Really didn't see each other much to begin with. However, after the title arrived, we started seeing each other even less.

He eventually let me meet his son but I kept our interactions as minimal as possible to try to make him comfortable. I would go to his baseball games and that was really about it for a while. So, on the weeks he had his kid we really didn't see each other at all. I didn't LIKE it, but if I said anything about it I was told he had responsibilities. And here's the thing that should have triggered me - he told me I was clearly making him choose between his son and me. Which I was not. I was just asking to maybe be included. I even suggested taking him to the park, or out to dinner and doing kid friendly things. But it never changed. I eventually kind of gave up on it.

On his free weeks. I was lucky to see him one night a week and maybe Friday and/or Saturday. That was it. After dating a few more months I really started to want to spend more time with him. I was falling in love and just wanted to be a part of his life. Every time I brought it up, I was made to feel really guilty and clingy. I really started to feel like I was being clingy. I let so many things slide.

He even started texting me less and less. I'd get a good morning (sometimes) text and then a quick word at the end of his lunch break and at night I would be lucky to get anything out of him. Why? Because he was so exhausted from work he would sleep and then get up and need to eat, do laundry or whatever. And then by the time he would pour his first drink, I was going to bed! Once again - couldn't say anything. I was accused of constantly starting fights, being uncompromising, and as usual, needy.

 And what is very painful for me to admit but he wasn't happy with me sexually. He made it clear that his ex was better at it than me. I tried to hard to do what he wanted physically while still staying within in my own comfort level. I know now that my comfort level was so small because he made me so insecure about it! I really REALLY tried in this area. But like everything else in our relationship, I never felt like it was good enough for him.

He would bail on me at least once a week. Ignore my texts when I would try to work on our relationship. I may or may not have heard from him the following day. He threatened to break up with me all the time and we did break up, once, for about two weeks. During that two weeks he even dated someone else. Looking back now, I was being manipulated so badly and I didn't see it. I became severely depressed, almost to the point of being suicidal. Insecure doesn't even begin to cover how my behavior was. It was really bad. He would say he felt like nothing he did was good enough. But, he barely did anything! And I don't ask for much. Just time. I don't need gifts or romantic dates. I just wanted him. Then he bailed on me for the final time and it was a week before he decided to even respond to a text to tell me it was over.

In his eyes he ended it because he said I just wanted to argue. No, I didn't. I wanted a real boyfriend and an inclusive relationship. I was always ALWAYS put last to everything and everyone. But again, if I brought it up, I was the bad guy. He wouldn't even come sit with me as my Grandma was dying because he had his son. I asked if maybe his ex wouldn't mind taking their son for a few hours and you would have thought I asked him to skin a cat. So, I spend the evening alone and crying and he never even checked to make sure I was ok. This went on for about two to three months and each day I got pushed even farther and farther away.

By the time he ended things with me I had convinced myself that everything was my fault, I was a horrible girlfriend, worthless, and didn't deserve love from anyone. He treated me horribly after we broke up. Was so mean and vile towards me even though I didn't do anything besides ask to be a part of his life. And to be fair, I would be mean to (though I would usually apologize an hour later).

It wasn't until about a week ago that the crazy-fog finally lifted. For a while, I would drunk text him and beg him to reconsider and I'll just say, he wasn't very kind about his desire not to be with me anymore. I finally decided to stop that and maybe focus on just rebuilding a friendship. Seemed like a good idea at the time until we were texting one night and he told me how he had spent the weekend with another girl, fucked her, and had a pretty good time. Deep down I was crushed. The tears were immediate. I had talked to other guys and CONSIDERED the possibility of a date. But one: I had never told him about it. And two: he broke up with me.

Through my really thick tears I tried to be supportive and asked her name, where they met, and if he liked her. I really got no answers besides a barrage of "you ruined our relationship." Followed by a chorus of I was crazy and difficult and he was done dealing with me. I kept trying to be patient and just let him let it out but it seemed to be making it worse. Finally he poked the bear when he said, "I was ready to move in with you until you got mad at me (while drunk) because I couldn't stay at your house." No, I wasn't mad at you, I was just really wanting you to stay with me and got a little whiny. So -- you ended a relationship over that. That moment was what lit the dynamite.

I went BAT SHIT crazy on him. I don't even know what all I said to him on text because I deleted it without looking but I probably sent him ten texts during the night. One of them was telling him about something really painful that had just happened to me that I had swore I wouldn't tell him about. After an hours sleep that night, I woke up a broken shell of a girl I had once been. I hated who I was and what I saw in myself that night. That wasn't me. I'm a walk-away girl. I don't fight for things that aren't going to come back. But I had never stopped fighting for him. And I was done.

It took several SEVERAL friends kicking my ass for me to see what was going on. I wasn't just being manipulated, it was emotional abuse. He never ever EVER called me mean names. However, he would say just the right thing to make me feel stupid, crazy, and worthless. It was over time and so slowly that I didn't see how destroyed my self-esteem was. This relationship had become completely toxic. I knew I had to let it go.

I'm still very hurt and trying every day to let my anger go. It is not easy at all. I still feel broke! Any guy I was trying to get to know before then I stopped. I have no desire to see anyone. I am terrified of this happening again. Of me falling in love and being left less than whole and broken-hearted. I still feel worthless and unloveable and like just a bad girlfriend. He never let me think for a second after we broke up that anyone other than me was to blame. Just kept saying "it will never work" and "you just want to fight."

Looking back now it's easy to see where we both went wrong. I chose to communicate my fears and needs over text, and he misconstrued them. I don't know if he'll ever believe that he is at fault for this -- he's pretty stubborn. I don't believe he played the mind-games and manipulated me consciously at all. I believe he did it because it's all he knew how to do. I can't speak for his last relationship. However, he claimed she bled him dry and I think games and manipulation were a dish served frequently.

He just couldn't make me a priority no matter how much I begged. I'm not sure if he ever loved me because he would say he did, then when mad he would say "I don't know." I was terrified to speak my mind to him. I was constantly accused of manipulating and playing games. And who knows, maybe I was? Maybe I learned how to be that way too without realizing it.  I just want to make this clear. I don't believe he is a horrible person. I just believe that whatever happened to him was so bad, he just passed it on to me. And it broke me in two.

This is the second break-up to hit me this hard. The difference is, the last guy adored me and there were very little problems in the relationship. The problems were with me. I was very busy and not as attentive as I should have been to him. But still, he just left. I have no idea really why. I was in love with him and it was another two years before I dated again. I'm afraid it may be a repeat of that.

I don't know if I'll ever see him or speak to him again. Right now, I don't see it happening. I'm trying to claw my way out of a mental fog I had been in for about 8 months. It's so sad. Things were so good before the title came. And it's just like everything changed. I think he I miss his kid and nephews a lot. I wish I could still see the but I know that's not healthy for them. I miss him -- I really do. And I hope one day he looks back and thinks, "I gave up a really great girl."