I was up at four am this morning in severe abdominal pain, cramping if you will. I couldn't get back to sleep and this has been a trend for about three weeks now. I was never EVER going to go public with why this has been happening but I've seen several women online posting their stories and feel like I want to share mine. It's pretty bad.
No lie that I've gone through a break up recently. What is also not a lie is that about a month ago I had a miscarriage. Very very early, only knew I was pregnant because of the pregnancy test I took in the middle of it. I really didn't think I could get pregnant with my medical issues. In fact, this is like the third miscarriage I've had. So I pretty much knew what was happening as it was happening.
I started my period right on time but it was super light and only lasted two days. Then three days of nothing. One morning I woke up and could feel like I had laid in water. It was blood. I jumped in the shower and the blood just wouldn't stop coming. I stayed in there for about an hour, shaking, because I was pretty certain I knew I was having a miscarriage. And the timing couldn't have been worse.
I took a pregnancy test and it was positive and I called the doctor and explained that I knew what was happening and I could even tell them the date of conception (you can do that when you and your ex only had sex once in that month). And that I did not want to come in unless it was necessary. My doctor is pretty good and knows I'm pretty smart. He said, each day should get a little better but if you get a fever, or a list of other gross symptoms then come in. Deal. Each day did get a little better until about a week and half later.
I had stopped bleeding but was having really bad right side pain. So bad it woke me up in the middle of the night. I became scared I had misread everything. I had a fever of 101 (not bad but higher than usual) so I went and saw the doc. Uterus was all good but I had a huge cyst on my ovary that had burst. Once again, not much he could do. So I was sent home with pain meds.
Fast forward another week and a half and the bleeding has started again. Five days in and I'm still in pretty bad pain and just plain miserable. Probably just regulating my cycle again but I'm beyond done with being in pain. What's even worse is I didn't tell anyone except my ex. Seeing as how we had already broken up he first, didn't believe me. Accused me of attention seeking and trying to get him back. Then in the next breath accused me of trying to get money out of him. I think that was the worst betrayal by him yet. I just said I didn't need a fucking thing from him and left it at that. He never once called to check on me, not so much as a text asking if I'm ok. Just letting me know that he has a new girlfriend. God, why did I love such a cruel and heartless person? And why does remembering all that still make my heart hurt and my eyes cry!! I didn't know a man could be so awful.
My point in writing this is I didn't even tell my best friend until this past weekend. Why did I feel so ashamed? I'm 35 years old, this isn't even the first time this has happened but yet I felt -- dirty. Or like damaged goods. I know October is infant loss and miscarriage month so I've seen a lot of people post their stories and I've never once talked about it -- with anyone really. And this is the THIRD one I've had (that I know of). It really was the icing on the cake of the relationship. He again, betrayed me in a way no one ever has and hurt me deeper than anyone else ever has or probably ever will again.
No comments:
Post a Comment