I started this blog a few years ago as a way to find humor and comfort while navigating as a 30-something woman in a world designed for couples. I've fallen off from writing and I think it's because I haven't found much humor in it these days. Let me explain first, this is cathartic for me. Not intended to insult or humiliate anyone. These are my feelings that I need to express for myself. Undoubtedly, those I'm speaking of will surely be able to tell I am writing about them. My words are for my benefit only.
My year started off completely on the wrong foot. On January 2nd I made a drunken mistake with an old friend. Never should have happened and the events that followed caused the end of a friendship. Maybe he was filling some void or maybe he had genuine feelings for me. I'll probably never know. But, as quickly as it started, it was over. I felt used and then dumped out with the week's trash. I haven't spoken to him since. But, I think it has set the tone for my year in relationships.
I may have spoken before of a man I've known for almost 12 years. I remember he was my new year's kiss while leaving 2006 and entering 2007. I've loved him since I met him. Took several years before he gave the idea of us a chance. The first, around 2009 wasn't right. I had just been brutallly broken up with by a guy that I was deeply in love with.I wasn't ready for a relationship and turns out, neither was he. After it ended, we did not speak again until 2012 while I was living in Memphis, Tn.
At that time, I believe he wanted to give us a real shot, but I lived too far away and he wasn't willing to wait, which I respected. We remained close friends, talking frequently. Our conversations often ended with him telling me how happy he was to hear my voice. In 2016, and not for him, I moved home.
I won't lie, the whole 8 hour trip home I thought of him and wondered if we would finally get our chance. I told him the news and he seemed happy. However, I did not hear from him for several months when he sent me a message, apologizing for the way he had treated me over the years. He had met a girl, who wasn't all in with him and he was facing karma in his eyes.
We stayed friends and a few months later he said he wanted to be with me. I thought, "finally after all this time what's meant to be will happen." I was a silly fool. Within a few weeks I could tell his behavior was reverting. On Valentine's Day, he never even said "Happy Valentine's Day." Instead, he told me he wasn't ever going to have kids and told me that making sure that didn't happen was my responsibility. I knew that he was pushing me away. He broke up with me two days later. I was devastated.
After some time we renewed a friendship. I thought that was very important to me. I know now it was because I was secretly hoping he would change his mind. I know it sounds foolish and pathetic, I am aware of that. We spoke every single day but never really talked about anything. But one day, I was ready to let go. I basically gave him one more chance to say that he loved me and wanted me. It didnt happen. So, I've quietly and gracefully exited from his life.
I realized our whole relationship from 12 years ago until now has always been about him. What he wanted, when and how he wanted. My feelings have never been considered by him. Not once. His selfishness is simply because he did not love me. But, as much as I love hkim I can't give him one more ounce of me. I've given him time, patience, affection, understanding....everything. And I can't think of one selfless act by him for me. It makes me cry now thinking about it. And I will never understand why. I would have lit myself on fire for him. He never felt that way about me. And I couldn't stay and keep giving him everything while I got nothing. I just couldn't do it anymore.
I've been kind of lost since then. I am finally ready to move on and find someone. It just hasn't been easy. I joined some Facebook dating page that got me absolutely nowhere. Did not meet one person I was even a little interested in. So, I deleted the page.
My friend set me up with a guy who after a few weeks of talking I was really starting to like. I've tried to be open and patient with him as I know he's kind of use to doing things his own way. I feel like I showed genuine interest in him and kind of developed a real crush for the first time in a long time. But I've gotten mixed signals and short replies to texts that say he's busy. And my feelings are hurt but I'm trying not to take it personally. Maybe there's someone else or maybe it's just bad timing. However, I just don't have much fight in me anymore. I have a kind heart. I'm genuine and honest. And I just want something that brings me joy and laughter. Someone at the end of the day to just sit next to and hold their hand. And I cant seem to find the humor in my disastrous love life these days. I would like to start writing about how happy I am to have found someone. My life is set without someone. I'm independent and strong all on my own. But the romantic in me really wants to find someone to share my life with. Life just is funnier with a partner. I'm holding on to the tiniest bit of faith that there is someone out there who can give me as much love as I've given away to the wrong people. I know I'm worth it.
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