Last week I celebrated my (ugh) 31st birthday. Though, not QUITE as dramatic as my 30th, it was still blog-worthy. For starters, I was suppose to have a birthday date. I had met a guy previously, and although I really didn't know him he said to me one day "hey, I would love to be at your birthday party if you're ok with that." I responded, "first of all, kitten, me sitting alone at a bar drinking whiskey is not a birthday party count." He laughed, like a good boy, and said he would be there.
If you're a fan of irony you won't like this next part. If you're a fan of the predictability and the horridness of my love life, then I probably don't even need to tell you what happened next. But, in case you aren't that smart, he was a no-call no-show. Around 9:45 I finally lost hope that he wasn't going to come. I remember, I was pretty drunk by that time and could feel the little tears starting to come to my eyes and I quickly and forcibly pushed them back. My birthday may not be a festival of fun, but I sure as hell wasn't going to cry over one more loser.
A few friends stopped by to say hi. Granted, they were going there anyway so nobody really showed up to see me specifically. Truthfully, I couldn't care less. I'm over so-so friendships, flakiness, and just people in general. I am just as happy sitting by myself as I am in a group of people. It is not embarassing to me nor is it something I'm proud of. I am alone, and there isn't any change in sight. It's just easier to accept it.
What gets annoying is people, younger and older, constantly asking me "why are you sitting alone?" Why aren't you? I've gone beyond wanting to tell people the story of how I ended up in Memphis at the age of 29, and that question generally is followed by that story. I get annoyed by the pity in their eyes and their voices as my solitude. It is very hard to make friends after this age. People are set in their ways and have too many things going on in their own lives to have time to really get to know someone knew. It's just the way it is.
If you make the decision to move somewhere alone at my age there is one thing YOU MUST be comfortable with and that is being alone. You have to be prepared to not have closeness and companionship for a while when you first move. It is scary and sometimes depressing. But the allure of being a new person in town is quite exciting. Once that wears off though, that loneliness hits like a bad cold on a January day. If you are not comfortable being alone, then it's not for you.
Why are so many women my age terrified of being alone? I don't understand it. Trust me, life is about 50 times more difficult for daily tasks. Hell, I've needed to have oral surgery for months and haven't been able to do it because I don't know anyone who can drive me back after anesthesia. If your car breaks down, you have to be prepared to spend an entire day in a shop to get it fixed. I'm not saying it's not an awesome thing to have someone in your life. But 1: don't take it for granted, I get sick of listening to people complain. And 2: I believe you need to learn how to be alone at some point, because life has a funny way of making you learn things you don't want to.
I find it reassuring that I, as a 31 year old woman, know not only what if feels like to be alone, but how to make being alone my bitch. However, here's hoping my date actually shows up to my 32nd birthday.
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