Do You Know?

When I started this blog it was a cathartic way for me to evaluate what it is like to be a single woman in her thirties dealing with everyday social expectations. My goal was to use mostly humor and sarcasm to maybe enlighten my friends and family. But,  as one can see,  I quit writing.

I lived most of my life in Indiana before moving to Tennessee in 2012. As I sit here now, I am desperately trying to remember why I came here. I think it was because I felt stuck.  I had my heart broken a few years earlier and never quite recovered. I broke my own heart by losing friends I didn't appreciate enough. I was in a relationship with an absolute loser who I didn't like, let alone love. So,  I left.

Now here I sit four years later,  feeling more stuck than ever before. I have decided to go home, at least for a while. From the day I moved here it's like this black cloud has followed me around and this nagging feeling that I made a huge mistake has never left. I stubbornly have pushed forward to prove mostly to myself that I am on the right path.And maybe for a while I was. I came to prove my independence and get over my fear of facing things head on.

I started to become sick in Indy but since being here I have been diagnosed with a severe form of Lupus. Once this disease attacks your organs, as it has mine,  it becomes more serious. Everyday has been a battle. Until recently I felt like I had the flu every day. It was very hard to get up, go to work and function in circumstances that most people couldn't. Now, I'm  in remission and the disease has quietted. I feel like everything that I've been needing to deal with has come to the front now that I'm PHYSICALLY  capable of handling the stress.

I have faced the conclusion that I just don't fit in here. I haven't made a true friend. Those that said they would be there haven't. I have spent four Thanksgivings, four Christmases, and four birthdays alone. I hated it,  but I did it. And I know if I have to, I can do it again. But the fact is, I don't have to. I have family and friends back home. And as I get older, I realize that at any moment they could be gone tomorrow. Hell,  I could be gone tomorrow.

I am watching my favorite episode of Grey's Anatomy With the title listed as my own blog title. I do know who I am. I do not understand what has happened to me. I do not want to live this way. So,  I admit defeat. It's not easy. I've cried for almost 24 hours straight. But I can't stay here when everything seems to be telling me to leave. I don't regret coming here and learning some very difficult lessons. But,  I'm ready to move on and spend time with those I live while I still can.