The Last Stage

When I decided to write this post I dove back into my psychology textbooks from college, as that is what my major is. I really got into studying humanism (which focuses on the whole person, both the subject and observer). It revolves around the idea that most people are innately good. Most moved on to behaviorism and cognition which is the foundation of modern psychology.

I know I lost you. What made me get into this is living with my grandparents. It is not a huge secret that my grandfather is, in my opinion, in the final stages. Granted, this could go on for a very long time but the more I study his behavior, the more I refer back to the stages of development. Which is why I went back to my text books.

I'm personally pissy because I can't remember what specific psychologist talked about transitioning between stages. And I can't remember which one described the "golden years" as a time of reflection on your life: basically making peace with your failures and (hopefully) accepting your mortality. My grandmother whizzed right through this phase. She has lived a very charmed life. My grandfather, I think, has had issues with it. And I really do not know why.

He is a retired Colonel in the Army. He flew helicopters. He's educated and highly respected both on a civilian and military level. He wasn't a man you talked back to. At least, I never did. But as I've watched him age I wonder if he got to the stage of his life where he's enjoyed his triumphs and made peace with his failures.  And I truly wonder if he is afraid to die.

There are times, before cocktail hour, where I have almost had the nerve to ask him questions that might help me better understand his position on his on life. I'm almost afraid he would actually tell me the truth; so I don't ask. I have never lost someone very close to me, and I know that he and my grandma will most likely be the first. And the perpetual student in me, really wants to learn from this experience. Dear God, does that sound warped?

My grandparents are a trip. They each do something daily that makes me fall down in laughter. What makes me laugh the most is them yelling at each other out of frustration because they are both getting  pretty hard of hearing. Then they get mad and yell even louder at each other. And yes, our family often makes fun of them for their quirks. Maybe it helps us forget that one day, not too far off, we will be exhibiting the exact same behaviors. Personally, when I'm in a home, just put on a Friend's DVD and I probably won't bother you at all.

Never Settle

Oh, How Cute

Being childless in your thirties is tricky business. Your peers are unsure if it is by choice or by the fates.  I will give you all that. It is difficult for you to interpret our long term plans with regards to "making a family. "  It pales in comparison to the business we face all the time in dealing with your babies. Or, more specifically, your baby pictures.

One day, the most appropriate reaction to being told you're expecting was, "oh shit, what are you going to do? " Then overnight I'm suppose to jump for joy. That was hard enough to deal with. But now, being smack dab in my middish thirties I'm forced to look at baby pictures from my same age and younger friends. AND grand baby pics from my older friends.

I know this makes us hugely unpopular but I think I speak for everyone when I admit I don't really know what to say when you show me pics of little Tommy eating mud. Clearly, he's not the brightest. And I'm positive me pointing out the bacteria that lives in mud is not appreciated. So what do we all say?  "Oh, how cute. " and strangely you respond well to it.

This topic came to me when earlier today I met a young lady and after an half hour of chit-chat she just HAD to show me a video of her daughter. I mentally prepared the fake smile and forced response. I watched this 12 second video and was completely confused. All this little wonder child was doing is sitting in a laundry basket. Her mother looked at me and said,  "did you hear her say it? " I had to lie to make my life easier. I didn't want to lose another 12 seconds of daylight. However, my other friend looked right at me and said, "what Was The video? " I was trapped so I pretended to be choking and unable to speak.

Turns out,  the little girl in the video was saying I love you. Totally didn't know her child spoke multiple languages. But,  here's the moral to this story: we don't mind looking at A picture of your child's greatest achievements (aka eating mud) but we only need to see a few in a social setting. Trust me, we feel awkward at times for not being the norm and having babies, so coming up with any appropriate remark is challenging. I have yet to have a good friend birth an ugly baby. When that day comes I'll write another post about my inability to handle that as well.

Do You Know?

When I started this blog it was a cathartic way for me to evaluate what it is like to be a single woman in her thirties dealing with everyday social expectations. My goal was to use mostly humor and sarcasm to maybe enlighten my friends and family. But,  as one can see,  I quit writing.

I lived most of my life in Indiana before moving to Tennessee in 2012. As I sit here now, I am desperately trying to remember why I came here. I think it was because I felt stuck.  I had my heart broken a few years earlier and never quite recovered. I broke my own heart by losing friends I didn't appreciate enough. I was in a relationship with an absolute loser who I didn't like, let alone love. So,  I left.

Now here I sit four years later,  feeling more stuck than ever before. I have decided to go home, at least for a while. From the day I moved here it's like this black cloud has followed me around and this nagging feeling that I made a huge mistake has never left. I stubbornly have pushed forward to prove mostly to myself that I am on the right path.And maybe for a while I was. I came to prove my independence and get over my fear of facing things head on.

I started to become sick in Indy but since being here I have been diagnosed with a severe form of Lupus. Once this disease attacks your organs, as it has mine,  it becomes more serious. Everyday has been a battle. Until recently I felt like I had the flu every day. It was very hard to get up, go to work and function in circumstances that most people couldn't. Now, I'm  in remission and the disease has quietted. I feel like everything that I've been needing to deal with has come to the front now that I'm PHYSICALLY  capable of handling the stress.

I have faced the conclusion that I just don't fit in here. I haven't made a true friend. Those that said they would be there haven't. I have spent four Thanksgivings, four Christmases, and four birthdays alone. I hated it,  but I did it. And I know if I have to, I can do it again. But the fact is, I don't have to. I have family and friends back home. And as I get older, I realize that at any moment they could be gone tomorrow. Hell,  I could be gone tomorrow.

I am watching my favorite episode of Grey's Anatomy With the title listed as my own blog title. I do know who I am. I do not understand what has happened to me. I do not want to live this way. So,  I admit defeat. It's not easy. I've cried for almost 24 hours straight. But I can't stay here when everything seems to be telling me to leave. I don't regret coming here and learning some very difficult lessons. But,  I'm ready to move on and spend time with those I live while I still can.